Super Bowl was a fun “family” day for our family. During Super Bowl XX, I miscarried a baby when Amy was just shy of 7 months old. Without going into detail, it wasnt until after Amy’s sudden passing that Amy introduced me to “Amanda” in a dream. Yeah, Amy even told me her little sister’s name. In my dream, Amanda was a mixture of one of my nieces and oldest daughter. Only one other time did I see Amanda — this time in one of Dr. Weiss’s guided meditations. (Believe it or not? Doesnt matter because I am just grateful for the gift of that dream and meditation and the opportunity to meet my beautiful youngest child, Amanda, with her straight brown hair and brown eyes. Thank you, Amy Marie.
My family of five loved watching the big game together while munching on all of our special snacks. Once my older two moved out and it was just Amy at home, we ordered overpriced gourmet hoagies. Now, my husband and I dont care what we eat.
Every single day finds me crying despite the many reminders that I need to keep my spirits up to fight this cancer but let me assure you that my tears come from my broken disenchanted heart and not from willful, intentional behavior.
Life goes on for everyone but my husband, my children and I. How do I pretend otherwise? Is that what is expected of me? Pretend.
Some people may say I always struggled with anxiety. Sure, I suffer from anxiety but i have always been able to dance around it. Not any more. Now a dark dingy pothole has opened up and swallowed me. Thoughts just recycle in my brain which drag me down further.
As I keep saying, i do not know how to live without this vibrant beautiful clever daughter who I adored. I am sorry that I did not get to know Amanda but glad that Amy intriduced her to me in the most unconventional way.
Cancer has not distracted me from mourning my Amy. I pity the fool who believes that is possible. I want to beat this cancer. I want to be a mom to my kids, a wife to my husband, a daughter to my mother, a sister to my siblings, an aunt to all of my nieces and nephews and possibly some day become a grandmother and a mother-in-law. My promise is to put 100% just as I always have into these treasured relationships. I adore those who are in my life — especially those who have shown me unconditional love and friendship.
I am writing on my blog bc I am so tired of defending my right to grieve and be depressed. I am writing on my blog because I am lonely and feel so misunderstood. I am writing on my blog because I am so depressed and sad all the while I realize I desperately need to count my blessings too.
I am writing on my blog tonight bc I need a place to dump my truth.
I am writing on my blog bc I am always remembering Amy and today I especially remember Amanda too.
Please pray for me and my family and for all of those who are living with a heavy heart due to child loss and the pain and suffering caused by cancer.