Honestly, I am not sure how to describe myself since my youngest, beautiful, healthy, vibrant, precious daughter died suddenly on August 4, 2013 because I no longer know who I am behind this grief fog. However, I am absolutely positive about one thing, and that is I have changed.
I still consider myself to be the mother of 3 children. I will never say 2! That is not denial because I am living with the cold reality every minute of every day. I have always been just an ordinary woman who lived an ordinary life. As outdated as it may sound, I would have loved to be a stay at home Mom and raise many children but financially that was not possible. I love my three children with my whole heart and soul but now I feel like my heart has a hole in it and my life is unrecognizable as I struggle to make sense of why I have buried my daughter and how I am supposed to move on.
I have been married to a good man for 35 years, worked a full time job and always tried to do the right thing in most situations, even if those decisions were not popular. Never took the easy way out, tried to be a good mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend. My faith was strong. But I am struggling now. Why?
As I write this, I am not sure who I am anymore, but I do know I am very sad, lonely, misunderstood, pissed off, and lost in a world that no longer makes sense to me and I would give anything to have my old, less than perfect, life back so I could have my Amy back and complain about the price of gas and how short weekends are…
17 months later and I am still desperately searching for a way to digest the unimaginable loss of my youngest child, Amy. Sadly, I have been privileged to meet many grievers since starting this blog, and the honor of learning about their child or loved one. I feel a responsibility to reiterate that I have no professional expertise in any field. I am just a Mom who misses her child and who is searching for a way to manage this debilitating pain. There is no easy way through or around it.