When my sweet Amy died suddenly on Aug. 4, 2013, I lost my faith. That was a double loss since I was born with a blind faith which sustained me through most of my life. To lose one of my precious ones after all I put into raising my kids and setting a good example feels like a punishment. Fast forward three years of dealing with my heavy heart and what felt like a shunning from God, and I learn I have cancer. No symptoms. Totally blindsided again. How cruel to match my emotional pain w/the physical pain of cancer. Why?!? me again!?! There is no answer AGAIN! This latest attack has left me trapped in my drugged grief head and searching for a merciful Lord who will grant me more time with my husband, children and loved ones.
Praying remains difficult and awkward but I find it helps. So many people, including strangers, are praying for me which makes me want to pray even more. Asking Amy and her new friends on the other side of the veil for help is not easy either but when I light a candle for Amy and her friends, I do ask them to grant me many more years here on this side of the veil.
Many would assume I would want to join Amy, but my pull is to remain here because I have more work to do on this side. Life can throw you in a deep dark tunnel of despair more than once regardless of how you live your life. There are no guarantees or rewards for good behavior.
My last scan showed that the chemo is working. In fact after first three chemos, my scan results were amazing. Most people would think I would be estatic, but I am afraid to be hopeful.
One more chemo treatment to go … So if you pray, please pray for me. If you light a candle, I would appreciate that too. There are miracles and why not me?.? Does God or the universe owe me a miracle? My rational mind knows that miracles are not earned any more than a guarantee given that if my husband and I are good parents that we get to keep all of our children.
Faith believes in miracles and provides hope. Oh how I need my faith now as I am always, always missing, loving and remembering my Amy while I pray to be restored to a good physical health on this side of the veil.
Thank you to anyone who reads this post and decides to say a prayer or light a candle for me. xo — Dee