This is a subject that is easy to speculate or debate about when you are chatting with a peaceful mind. We can easily share our opinions as to whether our physical body has its own expiration date which we signed up for before we were born until it becomes personal when out of order death happens in our family.
Many have shared that they believed that their loved one somehow knew their time here would be short. Based on the way Amy lived her life, I am not sure if she knew on a conscious level yet may have known on a soul level. Again, the jury is still out as I continue to ponder this soul contract theory.
Recently in a tearful conversation with two women who had not lost children, they reminded me that our children are only on loan to us. Based on the way I am grieving Amy, I confess I considered her MINE yet in the same breath I find myself asking God why he stole her back from me.
I woke up in the wee hours of this morning and listened to an audio interview about grief. Grief is not acceptable outside the confines of our hearts as it makes others uncomfortable. Grief is lonely and misunderstood. Hurry up and have a nice day! Yet who promised us that we would not have to live in the valley of despair during the course our life and that we would get to keep our children and siblings until they had a chance to live out their entire lives. We always pray and beg God to insure our children and loved one’s safety, but do any of us really believe we would ever be living in a world without them here? Let me raise my hand and be the first to admit I never ever seriously pondered losing a child. And regardless of whether immunity from the valley of despair was never promised, I was never prepared to live in the dark lonely valley.
People who are blessed to have all of their siblings and children here say the darnedest things. Their opinion and advice is so abstract. Let’s face it, by now we know they haven’t a clue how we feel yet does that mean we should resent them for their blessed ignorance? I admit I still struggle with this occasionally, but not in the same way I did two years ago. As more time goes by, I am convinced the clueless ones speak from a place of speculation and have no real knowledge. Oh how I would love to change places with them.
What I have learned almost three years later is now that I am able to disagree with them when they throw a platitude at me, their opinions no longer recycle in my heart or rent too much space in my brain. That is not to say I am able to manage every word that is said to me. Time has allowed me better control of what I can and cannot tolerate. And if there is indeed a life lesson to be learned, I have become the prophet of truth about the real heartfelt ramifications of out of order death and will not just agree with words which are a betrayal to what my daughter’s life here meant to me.
It is becoming exceedingly clear that I do not know what to do with the overwhelming grief which has taken over my life. Yada yada yada to what this grief can do to me physically because I cannot imagine that my heart has the power to react any differently than it has after receiving such a shock in an effort to protect my health. This past year I have suffered physically. Just maybe I can blame it on the grief or just maybe it would have been a rough year anyway. All I know is what I thought was heavy grief was my thyroid checking out on me. Severe hypothyroidism which has still not been corrected since my numbers were so off the charts. Should I blame this on Amy? Now I am suffering from excruciating nerve pain from mild to moderate degenerate disks? My core is weak. I am getting older while Amy remains forever 27. She was healthy and fit while I am not.
I am exhausted from being me and totally overwhelmed from this chapter of my life. In hindsight, I do not believe I could have grieved any differently than I have and continue to do. Sure, the ramifications from not having a working thyroid have complicated and amplified my grief. Grieving Amy has never been a choice.
Did my soul contract sign up for all of this pain? No one has an answer. Its all a bunch of guesses. Maybe some day we will know. Maybe not.
As August 4, my personal devastation day, approaches next week, I made a promise to myself that I would not allow that day to retraumatize me. Yet just like my body reacted to the shock of losing Amy, I am finding I have little power over the calendar my heart is keeping.
No one will ever convince me I signed up for any of this. Grieving your child is an appropriate reaction. I may grieve forever but I do admit that I long for the day when her death story fades and the beautiful love and life we shared becomes my story even when I am in the valley.