(Thank you, Jacque, for the graphic).
Here I stand in a puddle of muck. No longer interested in counting the days between then and now. Incredulous that life has stolen one of my children and at the expectation that time will ever be my friend.
Pity sickens me because it serves as confirmation that you believe you are more blessed in some way than I am. Okay, so you probably are, but I wish those who insist on sharing those feelings with me would talk among themselves.
I remain grateful for the true friends (new and old) and loving family who continue to stand by us. For those who made our loss and our devastation about them personally because we failed to meet their expectations, well like it or not, there is no energy or amount of time which heals these actions on either side of certain relationships.
Recently I find myself in some weird limbo of grief. However, let me clarify that I am not stuck. Oxygen mask is MIA so I am unable to put that on to assist other grievers as I did in the first two years. Confusion prevents my ability to find words of comfort despite knowing full well how desperately many need that knowing comfort. Compassion is never lacking, but the words are too scrambled. Anyone who has experienced this horrendous loss knows full well that no one can fix this. We can only nod in affirmation to the never ending debilitating pain.
Physically, the grief has taken a huge toll on my health. My core and immune system are weak. Yep, those who predicted the physical toll of losing a child were correct. Dammit to all those predictions!
Amy was a gift to me and in many ways I can honestly say there are no regrets with regard to our relationship other than I longed for more time. Our love was beautiful. She loved and gave with her whole heart and anyone who was blessed to have been gifted by the loyal purest of loves which exist on this side of the veil know exactly what I mean. I remain devastated living without her. No one gets to judge the depth of that love which equals the depth of my personal grief. No one gets to predict when I will feel better or counsel me on how I should proceed to live my life.
I find my only peace comes when I turn away from the truth and reality of her death. Even now, I cannot fully digest that my sweet Amy has died. Yes, I can say she died because it is woven into EVERYTHING but I cannot swallow or accept the finality. I am no longer able to live with the reality. Memories continue to hurt of happier times when Amy was here and our family was complete. I will forever miss that life.
Life makes no sense to me. Grace is a crap shoot. Prayer is a wish. Faith is complicated yet I do believe … I know my family did nothing to deserve this tragedy. I have stopped wailing about the whys because like it or not, there are no answers. Screw the life lessons. God nor the universe has personally selected me, my husband, my children or anyone who truly loved Amy to teach us a “life lesson.” Evil lurks and escapes. Life makes no promises and there are no guarantees. So much of what I believed in is utter bullshit.
I am still grieving Amy. You cannot hurry my grief. I miss her and it hurts.
Always, always remembering my sweet Amy.