Below is my most recent post on the HuffPost. Although these are words I wrote shortly before I quit my job, my heart remembers every detail. Maybe I have shared this before?
Time has not shoved me along to a better functioning place in my grief and I struggle to communicate how deeply the loss of my child has sunken into my heart now. For some unknown reason, I assumed the onset of winter would be helpful, but that has not been the case. The recent 22 inches of snow, accompanied by the cold, long dark nights and another passing day without Amy have landed me in a deeper layer of my new reality.
So do I sit with this grief until the spring and just accept that THIS all hurts or do I keep pushing? When you find yourself hanging by a single thread, the odds are not in my favor but I am still trying to self coach myself into mustering up the strength to keep moving. I still want to scream at the world that there are no silver linings surrounding the death of my child; this is a life sentence and a long, painful process … but I seem to have lost my voice.
By now my tragedy is yesterday’s news. That’s okay, but just remember this is my life and I wake up and go sleep still trying to digest the horrible news. I am not soliciting anyone’s pathetic pity — just believe me that losing Amy has changed EVERYTHING. Live in my heart and mind for one day before you assume otherwise.
Always remembering Amy.