Recently I have noticed the toll that out-of-order death has taken on my face, particularly my eyes. The light is not returning and I confess it frightens me to consider that the light is gone forever. The 27 months of crying leaves me dehydrated which is also adding years to my appearance. What disturbs me the most is 27 months ago no one could have mistaken how Amy and I were mother and daughter. Now — I wonder if Amy would even recognize me …
Recently I stumbled upon a post written by Monica Sword. Monica writes: “I don’t like how age is changing my look to be less similar to Lena’s.” Bingo. Every once in a while I do look in the mirror and see the physical resemblance we shared but overall the toll of heavy grieving has distorted our physical similarities.
A few months ago I was preparing to meet a friend for dinner. As I painted on my public face, I began to cry. Something made me glance at myself in the mirror I was holding when suddenly the image looking back at me was Amy. In hindsight, I only remember telling one other person of this unexplainable moment between a mother and her daughter shared from both sides of the very thin veil which separates us. As I write this, a little bird literally came to the windowsill outside of my bedroom and began singing loudly almost as affirmation of that moment. Coincidence?
Although I continue to rant, I desperately need to find glimmers of light which is what I also found in Monica’s words. Please be sure to take the time to follow the link to the beautiful eulogy which Monica had written for her daughter and includes in her post below. In the eulogy, the profound words which got stuck in my heart and which I hope will remain there were: “Say goodbye to Lena’s body, say hello to her spirit that lives in each of us.”
Yes. I need to remember those word because while I am seldom comfortable with my reflection of painful loss clearly written all over my face now, Amy’s amazing spirit is forever inside of my heart. Nothing, not even death, can distort or change her spirit of love reflected inside of me regardless of my physical appearance.
Please consider reading Monica’s post. Thank you.
Always remembering Amy and her amazing spirit which is embedded in my heart.