The spiraling started in July and has been relentlessly taking its toll. Finally, I stop and look the arrogant dragon of grief in the eye and it bluntly spits out the fire of truth at me knowing full well I will be scalded if I accept the tragic news once and for all. Amy has died it screams at me and I find myself screaming back “no, no, no — please rewrite this ending.” But the universe once again coldly responds with “its a done deal.”
Then the world grows quiet as the darkness prevails as if to shelter me from what is now and what will never be again. I don’t know what to do with this honest layer of truth which I am now experiencing so I crumble. The long nights give me more time to think and that is not helpful.
There is a whisper that urges me to create a magic potion to sprinkle over the burns from the wrath of the seemingly cruel dragon the universe sent to destroy my life. Will this potion also work to change the colors of an alien whom no one knows how to deal with now? Should I hitch a ride with Dorothy to ask the Wizard for this magic potion? Surely I cannot find it here.
The distractions are wearing me out and no longer help. So, I gather up my courage and look the universe in the eye seething from what now is .. Gone is the softness of a gentle weakened confused broken woman and for just a moment I am ready to speak my own truth:
“Hey Not So Wise Universe: You are a clueless coward and a thief. Shamelessly stealing one of God’s sweetest creations while tossing her family’s well being aside as if we no longer matter. You did not deem us worthy as one of your miracles. You did not equip those around us with the patience to realize yes, some tragedies do change you forever. Instead you make us carry the additional burden of fighting for our right to grieve the invisible wound which amazing love leaves behind. It doesn’t take long to realize that you, Mr. Universe, make no promises in exchange for good behavior.
While others are free to move along their merry way without us, they have no right to judge us or deem us stuck under your stupid guidelines. You have encouraged those around me to freely speak their minds while asking me to be seen and not heard. You insist I am still quite capable of carrying on with business as usual. Blah, blah, blah.
Mr. Egotistical Know-It-All Universe – You got it all wrong. There are no silver linings in death. Shame on you for having the ability to cause this much pain without providing the survival tools. Not all losses are the same. Yeah, I got your memo. Shit happens. You want me to take this one on the chin. Take one for the universe. Go out and turn my tragedy into a blessing. Turn that frown upside down. More Blah, blah, blah. Screw you universe.”
Should I add a new category to this post? Pissed off, weary, frustrated, disenchanted broken mother? I have read all about the softer side of grief and it makes no sense to me. Babies, children, young adults suffering — leaving this world way too soon and their devastated loved ones behind. I am not buying what this universe is selling. While I am not always this angry, and I know it’s a done deal, no one will ever convince me that anything about losing Amy is okay. It will never be okay. That is my life lesson oh wise universe.
Always remembering Amy.