Round 2 of writing through my grief:
Just in case you were counting the days, yesterday was our 22 month anniversary. Now that Shock and PTSD do not show up as often (guess they are taking the cue from some of your friends) you and I are finally beginning to understand each other.
Remember those early days when you had those dead eyes and I was written all over your face, well now I have decided to just dim the lights in your eyes for the rest of your life. I appreciate you accepting me as a ramification of the great love you have for Amy, but trust me that does not grant you any special privileges.
My ambushes are everywhere. Amy is everywhere. You realized by the end of last month’s course that you no longer love yourself. Honey, can’t you feel the love of this beautiful big universe? Yes, I have heard you say that Amy was that vital to your own personal peace and contentment … No one else is listening!
By now you must realize that no one understands the depth of your pain or how much effort it takes to move through any given day. You exist in limbo with one foot on each side of the veil. Hey girl, they all think you choose to feel so sad, but I know better. Kudos to you for faking your way through another day in fucking paradise because no one likes a Debbie Downer.
Tick, tick, tick … Hurry up because those lovely ones around you are checking their calendars and growing a little bored with your saga. Notice how when you bring up Amy’s name now most people change the subject? I can read your thoughts and feel your reaction to their dismissing Amy’s death as yesterday’s news and understand why you no longer can handle anyone who forgets Amy was here. But do you really believe their reaction has the ability to conjure up hatred inside of you because they do not honor your loss? You know only too well that hatred masks the pain they have caused you which is too much to handle now. Must I remind you that as a griever, you are supposed to forgive everyone! Even the self-centered narcissistic jerks? That is part of your “life lesson.” Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
No worries, many have moved on but I will remain ever-present always reminding you of who is missing. Love always, Your constant companion, Mr. Grief
Always remembering Amy.