This is Day 5 of my 30 day journey into Megan Devine’s Refuge In Grief – Writing Your Grief course. In all honesty I have no idea how I will feel at the end of this course but it is my hope that I will be able to do a bit of cleansing of my tormented mind, body and spirit.
It should come as no surprise that facing the dragon of grief takes tremendous courage. As I have said all along, grief cannot be rushed but it does need to be addressed because once it sinks its claws into you, it is a force to be reckoned with. You can’t wish it away or ignore it. It is and will always be your body, mind and spirit’s natural response to the death of someone you loved with all of your heart. Grief is in a way part of our love story. To deny it for the sake of others will eventually take an additional toll.
While I share a lot, there are components of my grief which I believe I will never be able to share so a little voice inside of my heart is afraid to go where this course may lead me. However, I am not backing down from the challenge of working on my grief through the only outlet that has served me well since Devastation Day — honest, raw writing.
It is not my place to share the prompts from this course with you yet I would like to share my response. When the time feels right, maybe you will consider taking this course too. At the very least, consider reading Megan’s newsletter if you want to feel understood.
If my own grief could speak …
Look at me! I want your full attention because by now you must realize I will not be ignored! Who gave you permission to sneak off with your friends last weekend for an afternoon tea and wear that silly hat? I saw the photos so there is no denying you were trying to be one of them again. How many times must we have this same conversation? Stop torturing yourself by trying to re-engage.. Walk with me over to that mirror and take a good look into your eyes which are the window to your soul. Come on, you can do it. See, your eyes are still dull and lifeless. Your friends see your eyes. They know you are now an alien.
You are under my jurisdiction now and I refuse to be locked up while you go out and pretend you are having a good time. Stop leaving me in the car because I have ways of getting out. I am always waiting for my cue to make an appearance.
My patience with you is wearing thin. This is not the first time you tried to wander off without me. Don’t give me that pathetic excuse that there was no room for me because I am too overwhelming. I saw you at your son’s house cleaning and painting for two days? By now you must realize that I go everywhere you go.
After almost 21 months, I have been your only friend brave enough to go to that dark scary place in your mind, body and soul. By now you know there is hell to pay when you ignore me for too long.
You know I do not care where you are or what you are doing because I respect no boundaries and it is my job to remind you who is missing.
Listen to me. The day may come when you have released my poison but you must be patient because it takes time. Please do not allow anyone to tell you otherwise. You have lost part of your world and your tears are warranted. Lean on me now and you will be the first to know when we no longer need to spend so much time together. Don’t be afraid because I promise I will always return for surprise visits. Just remember releasing my power over you has nothing at all to do with your continuing love for Amy. Love never dies and while I am the natural physical reaction to losing Amy, I am not required to be present forever. You can love Amy and honor her without me.
That being said, as you can tell I am not going anywhere yet, but I promise as time goes by, you will notice a much needed change in our relationship. Until then, you are stuck with me.
As you all know by now, I am always remembering Amy.