19 months later … I am beyond sad.
I seem to have misplaced my rose-colored glasses. Definition of rose-colored glasses: Optimism, the tendency to see things in an unrealistic positive light; rosy retrospection, the tendency to view past events in positive light.
If anyone stumbles across my lost glasses, save them for someone who has not suffered the life changing tragedy of losing a child because they are useless to me now.
19 months later, I have changed and that change is prompting me to re-examine my capabilities as I struggle to cope in a world without Amy. Recently I made a decision which I labored over for many months. A decision prompted by circumstances beyond my control. Having acted on that decision, once again I feel misunderstood. Don’t people see the big picture here? Don’t they realize that what may appear liberating to one person does not have the same result to one who lives in a world without a child? Happy?!? about a choice which was in large part prompted by my freaking new normal.
When you make a decision based upon necessity and overshadowed by grief, it does not hold the same joy. Every decision has AMY DIED written all over it. EVERY GOOD AND BAD EVENT IS OVERSHADOWED BY AMY DIED. Where is the joy in that? Nothing can ever reach the same level on my meter in life without Amy. Let me clarify for the umpteenth time that she was that important!
Yet, one man seemed to understand. When I confided in him what I had planned, he said: “I understand because you have a big battle ahead of you.” Yes, the battle to survive in a world which no longer offers the same possibilities to me as it does to many others. Why is it so difficult for others to see what a life changer losing Amy has been to every aspect of who I am, how I view everything, and my ability to exist in the world. Is it so difficult for others to pause and take a moment to reflect on the big picture here? 19 months later, unfortunately I have learned the answer to that question.
This difficult decision has consequences. Yes, it will result in less pressure for me, but there are certain ramifications which have the potential to harm me too.
19 months ago I learned my biggest lesson of all in what I can and cannot control and I find myself weeping even now, as I remember. Things are not always as black and white as they may appear.
19 months later, the pain shifts, but it remains ever-present. The two ton elephant which sits on my heart continues to lose and gain weight. Kind of similar to my own Weight Watchers journey through the course of my life. “Journey”. I still detest that word.
Give me back my daughter and allow me to just live my life. I did not sign up for this stinking, painful, confusing, debilitating “journey.”
19 months later, I dedicate this song to you, my Amy. Remembering you always.
“If” lyrics by Bread
If a picture paints a thousand words
Then why can’t I paint you?
The words will never show
The you I’ve come to know
If a face could launch a thousand ships
Then where am I to go?
There’s no one home but you
You’re all that’s left me too
And when my love for life is running dry
You come and pour yourself on me
If a man (Mom) could be two places at one time
I’d be with you
Tomorrow and today
Beside you all the way
If the world should stop revolving
Spinning slowly down to die
I’d spend the end with you
And when the world was through
Then one by one the stars would all go out
Then you and I would simply fly away.