Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing. — Daily Om
Caution: This post has nothing positive to offer. These words belong to me and are a by-product of my own experience after losing my daughter.
My frustration is a result of my own cast of characters unique to my life and in no way insinuates that others have the same support systems in their lives. Next week it will be 18 months without Amy, and many of my family and friends contribute to the bitterness I am now experiencing. Disappointed was a softer word I could use last year; however, now I am bitter.
Am I a victim? Hell yes. A victim of what death can do to my ordinary life. Stating otherwise, is just another cop-out by the universe to enable those who do not want to visit you in your valley of grief to stay in their happy place.
Forgive, forgive, forgive. Forget it. Why am I always supposed to be the better person in every situation? It’s all bullshit.
Maybe I should climb out of this painful tragedy and chirp only about all of the love and compassion which helped me to heal. Bullshit.
Many parents have shared their own painful encounters with loved ones and friends so I know as a society we are failing.
Even those I love the most compound my pain with their self driven egos. What do I expect from my family and friends? Pick up the phone or send me a note from time to time. Ask me how my family is doing and be interested in the answer. Show me your depth — even if it’s only a few times a year.
No worries, the family and friends who have hurt me the most do not read my blog. They are so tuned into themselves or busy putting selfies on Facebook that they don’t even know I write about my life on the other side of losing Amy.
You know, I hear all of the time about the “life lessons” we will learn after a tragedy; well I learned a big lesson which prompted me to write this post.
Bitter, yes I am today and counseling has taught me to own what I feel. Bitterness is a poison which I do not want to hold onto. I will move through and release it as soon as I am able to diminish the importance in my life of some of my loved ones and friends. Another difficult life lesson. One I never ever wanted to learn.
This blog is about my raw and authentic journey on the other side of losing my youngest child. I refuse to write about hope and healing until I feel it. Believe it or not, I still believe it is possible, but only if I remain true to myself.
But it takes time to ride out the storm on the grief roller coaster of emotions which is a direct result of losing the one who loved me the most in this chaotic and not always kind world.
It also takes time to realize that you can’t always get what you want and you don’t always get what you need. Being bitter when it sinks in, seems appropriate until I am able to release it.
So many expectations of one ordinary mother who wanted to exist with all of her children in this shallow world. Maybe I should put a selfie on Facebook and see how many likes I would get. Surely that would make me feel better – not.
Always remembering Amy.