Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing. — Daily Om
Bullshit.
Caution: This post has nothing positive to offer. These words belong to me and are a by-product of my own experience after losing my daughter.
My frustration is a result of my own cast of characters unique to my life and in no way insinuates that others have the same support systems in their lives. Next week it will be 18 months without Amy, and many of my family and friends contribute to the bitterness I am now experiencing. Disappointed was a softer word I could use last year; however, now I am bitter.
Am I a victim? Hell yes. A victim of what death can do to my ordinary life. Stating otherwise, is just another cop-out by the universe to enable those who do not want to visit you in your valley of grief to stay in their happy place.
Forgive, forgive, forgive. Forget it. Why am I always supposed to be the better person in every situation? It’s all bullshit.
Maybe I should climb out of this painful tragedy and chirp only about all of the love and compassion which helped me to heal. Bullshit.
Many parents have shared their own painful encounters with loved ones and friends so I know as a society we are failing.
Even those I love the most compound my pain with their self driven egos. What do I expect from my family and friends? Pick up the phone or send me a note from time to time. Ask me how my family is doing and be interested in the answer. Show me your depth — even if it’s only a few times a year.
No worries, the family and friends who have hurt me the most do not read my blog. They are so tuned into themselves or busy putting selfies on Facebook that they don’t even know I write about my life on the other side of losing Amy.
You know, I hear all of the time about the “life lessons” we will learn after a tragedy; well I learned a big lesson which prompted me to write this post.
Bitter, yes I am today and counseling has taught me to own what I feel. Bitterness is a poison which I do not want to hold onto. I will move through and release it as soon as I am able to diminish the importance in my life of some of my loved ones and friends. Another difficult life lesson. One I never ever wanted to learn.
This blog is about my raw and authentic journey on the other side of losing my youngest child. I refuse to write about hope and healing until I feel it. Believe it or not, I still believe it is possible, but only if I remain true to myself.
But it takes time to ride out the storm on the grief roller coaster of emotions which is a direct result of losing the one who loved me the most in this chaotic and not always kind world.
It also takes time to realize that you can’t always get what you want and you don’t always get what you need. Being bitter when it sinks in, seems appropriate until I am able to release it.
So many expectations of one ordinary mother who wanted to exist with all of her children in this shallow world. Maybe I should put a selfie on Facebook and see how many likes I would get. Surely that would make me feel better – not.
Always remembering Amy.
4 thoughts on “Bitterness”
Emma
It’s sad that you have to put a disclaimer out there before you can be honest… That you have to remind anyone that it’s your space to voice your feelings, and no one else’s opinion counts here. I feel the same pressure. I feel the same bitterness. Your words ring true with me more than most I read, and let me just say: I get you. X
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deeincollingo
Emma, thank you for your compassionate understanding. I always feel the need to clarify that my raw honesty is my own personal testament. Do you feel that others would prefer you come out of this with tremendous faith while chirping about how this tragedy has made you a better person? Am I making up that expectation? Please know I remain sorry that you were robbed of living in a world without Hannah, who was the same age as Amy. I understand the world was a better place with Hannah and Amy in it. X
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Emma
I know. What terrible people we are, to not be able to find the bright side in this! What you wrote about always having to be the better person really rings true with me. I’m so tired of being the better person! I don’t think it’s too much to ask that someone else does that for ME, for once… But I’m made to feel selfish for that, as if my expectations are too high. I think our expectations are just fine- maybe we’re just placing faith in the wrong people. X
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deeincollingo
Emma, I hear you loud and clear. You do not always reap what you sew and when the tables are turned, is it beyond the comprehension of so many to see we are bleeding on the side of the road helpless to fix the unfixable and not sure what to do next. Yet, many who claim to “love” us drive right by and toss a fruitcake at us and then ride along on their merry way. Kiss, kiss; don’t call us, we’ll call you… The saddest part is I, personally, expect so little. An occasional how are you or I miss Amy goes a long way. Time how long that takes to write or say. My faith in mankind who exist in my life has been weakened; while my faith in strangers has been strengthened. Emma, thank you for your willingness to engage in an honest conversation with me without throwing a there, there at me. XX
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