Every day serves as a reminder of how much my life has changed. First of all, Amy is missing from our world which makes me weep from the deepest place in my heart which seems to be reserved for a loss of a child. To attempt to explain the pain gives it no justice. There are no words.
While I try to find the words to explain to a blessed parent, I always seem to come up short. The loss of a child has no language. It is a knowing glance into the confused and devastated eyes from one bereaved parent to another. Yet, I earnestly search for ways to explain the pain because for some unknown reason I am insisting on making others aware of what’s inside my heart. Why is it so damn important to me that others do not remain ignorant to this unimaginable loss and what a life changer losing Amy has been for me and some of my family. However, I am beginning to realize that I am wasting my energy because it just cannot be explained adequately and ignorance is bliss.
While I believe it takes tremendous courage to continue to exist in this foreign world now, there are times when I am reminded of the huge difference between me and them. Dont get me wrong, I love some of them. And despite all of the bitching I do from a place of utter frustration, there are only a few people who are too narcissistic to understand the devastating crippling scar my family now carries in our hearts.
Many people have shown me consistent compassion and I can almost touch how helpless they feel to comfort me. By now, the ones who have been playing hide and seek can come out because I no longer care that you were not able to respect and honor the loss of my daughter. You have lost your power to hurt me and my daughter’s life does not need your validation. I sincerely appreciate you showing me what you are made of and you are no longer renting any space in my tortured mind. For those of you who feel compelled to keep reminding us about those who have disrespected my daughter’s life and hurt us along the way, I would appreciate if you would stop now so we can at least get closure on one chapter of our life. We know they are of the universe and we wish them no harm. It took 16 months, but I am finally okay with their choice to disregard us which is a direct ramification of my choice to just let them go. Peace be with you clueless jerks. Sorry, I have not been filled with Divine grace after losing Amy and those are my own parting words.
So back to where I was trying to go with more of my forever changed thoughts. Let me back up. On Wednesday, a young 16-year-old girl was tragically hit by a car when she was either exiting or getting onto her school bus. This happened one block from my home. Parents around the neighborhood were asking each other “did you hear …?” This young girl was rushed to the same hospital as Amy, where she too died. That devastating news still lingers with me today.
So I can see that the horrific news is sad to “them”, but I noticed they switch gears and change the subject rather quickly and return to normal idle chatter which eventually leads to laughter. Hey, this is the way of the world. I get that! But I can’t help but get a bit angry at the notion that someone’s Devastation Day has so little power that sympathy can turn to laughter so quickly. Of course, in their defense, I remind myself we no longer speak the same language and it is the most wonderful time of the year for “them” so they need to quickly return to their happy place. Oh, don’t mind me, I am grieving and jealous that Amy is not here and resentful that I cannot be on Team Happy.
My husband and I learned of this terrible incident right before we were leaving for our Compassionate Friends meeting– just another fun night in paradise. I find Compassionate Friends meetings difficult to attend. Sometimes I leave a meeting feeling worse, but I am always weirdly comforted to be in a room with others who speak my language. The language is communicated through the eyes which speak a thousand words. Their pleading eyes look at those farther along asking: How the hell am I supposed to live without my child? Is this even possible? And will this overwhelming pain kill me because I don’t think I can take one more minute feeling this way?
Lives forever changed. Tragic unnatural loss. Nothing will ever be the same. You feel other’s devastation day and it’s impossible to switch to small talk and laughter quickly once you are familiar with Devastation Day.
Later today, I will muster up the courage to take something to the roadside memorial. Maybe I will wait until it gets dark tonight to do it because this tragedy speaks to the unimaginable pain I live with each and every day. I feel this family’s pain and know their lives are forever changed, just like mine.
Remembering Amy and remembering with the sincerest sympathy a young 16-year-old girl and her devastated family.