Last night after a rather productive day, I found myself sobbing in utter despair and couldn’t stop my mind from wandering to what had I done wrong in this world to merit this current chapter in my life. The chapter that stole my daughter away from our family and changed everything. Searching my heart, I could not come up with anything that warranted this punishment.
It hasn’t taken me long to realize how the clueless ones perching on their secure branch have all the words of wisdom yet no idea how profound this loss is for our family. Let me be clear when I say I no longer expect you to understand. Regardless of your own life experiences, unless you have lost a child, you truly have no idea what I am talking about. I get that.
Everything does not happen for a reason. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me at the present moment. I have always remained open to healing and while I may sound like a martyr at times, maybe my Divine Intervention will come when I am truly able to disregard your egotistical words and forecasts on the subject of my reaction to losing Amy.
Life is not fair at times. You can recite a million examples of others suffering horrible tragedies in an effort to kick me out of my grief pot of sorrow and despair, but at the end of the day I can only deal with my own loss because that loss affects me personally. I swear I am more sympathetic than you realize to others’ legitimate sorrows, but that does not lighten my load or fill the empty chair at my dining room table. Does that make me self-absorbed or shallow while I am learning to live among you without Amy?
Sometimes I feel as though everyone saves their tragic stories until they see me. As if I need to hear more sad stories. Don’t you know how difficult it is for me to remain present in the conversation and concentrate on your words while a symphony of my grief is screaming at the same time? Yet, I promise you I do try to control my tears and refrain from making every word about Amy while I listen with a broken heart and mind.
I may not react, according to your own personal grief gauge, with a lot of emotion after you recite another’s tragedy to me, but I get it. Don’t forget I run in grief circles now among many others who have suffered tragic losses. They capture my attention and my heartfelt sympathy as I am familiar with some of their pain. I do little things for strangers all of the time in an effort to show my compassion. What are you doing after you share their tragedy? Just wondering. However, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that in my own circle, I do know many who help me and more importantly, remember my Amy, which is the ultimate way into my heart.
It does appear that many seem to think they know better and can fix me. If that is true, kindly erase the images from my mind which occurred on Devastation Day and be on the alert for the new ones which are filtering through even now as the blessed shock is continuing to lift. Maybe while you are at it you could stop the ambulances and paramedics from being within ear shot or help me to drive in my neighborhood with a light heart.
How about you wave your own magic wand to stop the hurtful words which amplify our pain. If I click my heels 3 times can I fast forward to Jan 2? Social media are killing me softly with their words .. oh right, that’s a song. I love you has turned into have a good day. Remember when you could not wait to hear someone so very special say I love you but now everyone loves everyone … Maybe it’s me. It probably is … so no need for correction.
Social media is like a constant dedication of love. What happened to intimate moments? Share everything and I mean everything with everyone. I only go on FB now to look at photos of my nieces’ kids or to visit two business groups, but I always close the app with a sinking reminder of how dramatically my life has changed. Maybe instead of dumping on my blog, I should add my Debbie Downer posts to my news feed and talk about how life is just not fair … Nope, I got the memo to suck it up and move on and I would certainly not want to bring anyone down, right? Stay chirpy! As that seems to be the way of the world … I read somewhere “life is not fair, get over it or get bitter.” Like it’s all a willful choice, clueless world.
Yes, I get it. Life is not fair.
Remembering Amy always.