Phone rings; I answer (which I rarely do unless it is someone I know)…
Me: Hello (darn, why did I answer this call).
Them: Hello, this is blah blah. Is this the Mrs?
Me: It’s the Mrs. but my name is on the mortgage too and my income was a factor, I say defensively through clenched teeth on my already aching stressed jaw from my nighttime grief anxiety …
Them: This is a courtesy call to let you know that when you submitted your November payment, you were missing a number when you entered your information.
Me: Oh, sorry; will my payment now be considered late?
Them: I am your new account manager so please let me know if there is anything I can do for you?
Me: Well, actually, my daughter passed away last year and I am having trouble keeping track of my bills so if I ever miss a payment, would you be able to contact me immediately?
Them: I almost lost my daughter to a 4 wheeler accident, but she is ok so it didn’t end the way yours did. However, as you know, these things just happen. That’s life.
Me: (stunned silence). Click.
Please note that this phone call occurred last Friday; one week later I am still trying to process my conversation with this clueless person. Aren’t these phone calls supposed to be recorded for quality assurance or whatever that phrase is?
So, who out there reading this post wants to convince me not to take this recent conversation personally? After 15 months, I have learned that I am just supposed to quack and let this conversation roll right off of my back. Oh yeah, they didn’t mean anything. People just don’t know what to say … if I hear that one more time I am going to scream!!!
I write about these interactions because I am so sick and tired of having to be the better person in these scenarios. I wanted to lash out at this woman but her words rendered me speechless. Where are my rights? Why is the world, even people in my support circles, always defending people under the umbrella of well, people just don’t know what to say.
Smile; be cheerful; it’s not their fault your daughter isn’t here; they mean well; act interested in their lives while my mind wanders to OMG – my Amy … my Amy … my Amy!
Yes, I still believe this world is no longer designed for me. It is not a calm and peaceful place to exist with a tormented mind and heart. It does not honor or respect devastation day and has no tolerance for people who could potentially bring them down.
The upcoming holidays are already pulling me in 100 different directions. Engage? Disengage? Remember the reason for the season; happy holidays; shop; tree or no tree; holiday commercials all proclaiming to offer the perfect gift; eat, drink and be merry; family gatherings; holiday parties – my head is spinning as all of these words and visions race by me like a merry-go-round that is going so fast that I feel as though I am going to be sick before it stops.
Here’s my holiday reality: death, loss, cemetery, empty chair, tears, pretending I am ok and can do another holiday season without my youngest child.
It’s all too much for me. I want to hide and stop pushing and acting as if all is well and I am moving through my grief. Who am I putting a show on for anyway? I am fed up with everything related to losing a child. I am sick and tired of looking for silver linings.
I hate the word grief; I hate grieving; I hate that my daughter is not here; I hate that I have to work so hard to get through a day. I hate that there are times where I wonder if other grievers even understand me and maybe I am really all alone in the world now?
Maybe I am just having a bad day. Oh wait, you must have read about the stages of grief so chalk this post up to anger in the second year — that explains it all because Heaven knows I have no right to be upset and angry.
For the record, I have every right to be pissed off and fed up with living 15 months without my daughter. If you know me and happen to read this rant, do me a favor and do not email me and tell me you read my blog and you are worried about me. That just makes me self-conscious for releasing my legitimate frustration. And PLEASE stop trying to put the loss of my daughter in perspective for me!
Okay, I am done with my rant.
Remembering my Amy today and every day.