It is becoming more clear with each passing day since August 4, 2013, that life in 2014 is not designed for deep grieving. Recently, I admitted to a few friends that I no longer fit into this world. Many can tolerate your grief short term, but in the fast paced, get over yourself, if it feels good, do it world, it’s inevitable that we may feel abandoned and misunderstood.
There are certain expectations we are conditioned to have and when some of these expectations are not met, it crashes our world. For instance, I expected to outlive my daughter. I don’t know the statistics, nor do I want to look it up if such a statistic exists, but I think that is a reasonable expectation that I would go first.
Another reasonable expectation would be that healthy and fit 27 year olds just do not die for no apparent reason! Are my expectations out of whack?
Once I became a mother, I said a daily prayer for my children’s safety, health and well being, but never ever really, really allowed myself to imagine Devastation Day. I can honestly say I had no idea this was going to happen. Quite frankly, I am so traumatized by everything that happened that day and by living in a world without Amy, that I am relieved that I had no inkling what was in store for me and my family.
There was a peace that I had just because Amy was my daughter. She was loving and kind and I knew she would always look out for my best interests if the day ever came where I was unable to do that for myself. There was a quiet comfort knowing someone loved me so much that I could trust them in any situation. Trust me when I say I have lost more than I am able to share.
There is a realistic level of expectation that family will rally around you and share your pain on Devastation Day and during the months and yes years which follow. Afterall, who knew the value of Amy and the magnitude of the loss better than your family who also loved her, right? Yet, we had family who chose vacation over supporting us and saying goodbye to our daughter? They disrespected the value of my daughter’s life and it’s up to God or the Universe to address that decision as I will never ever understand or forget their choice. They no longer rent much space in my brain or heart and only come to mind once in awhile. They showed me who they are and their choice forever changed my opinion of them. Thank God I also saw and was not surprised by the wonderful family members who did show up to support us and honor our daughter.
There is also a level of expectation that exists between friends. Many of my friends were wonderful in the beginning but I am noticing as more time goes by that some are growing tired or weary of my tragedy and it is awkward to be around me now. Believe me, I feel equally as awkward being around some of you. They never signed a contract or took a vow to support me during this horrible nightmare and I am beginning to realize that I need to lower my expectations and accept that many are able to move beyond me and the death of my daughter. Sad, but true.
I am also noticing that when some people ask me how I am, that their expectation is that I should be better by now. Well, I am not and this second year has been more difficult than the year filled with all of those horrible “firsts”. I suppose we are on the same page when it comes to this expectation not being correct as I could not imagine that time would betray me. Yeah, it feels like the world betrayed me too because time marches on with or without my daughter with no regard for my wounded heart and fractured life.
I had dinner with a “knowing” friend last night and she agreed how painful the second year is when you just ache to see your child and the longing for them becomes unbearable. That’s where I am at now. My soul misses Amy. The pain is more than I can manage some days.
My expectations of the future leave me feeling hopeless and helpless at times. Who knows, maybe I will be wrong, as none of my expectations have been correct so far anyway.
Always remembering Amy.