Sometimes I hesitate to write posts which are published too close together. Unfortunately, my grieving cannot be timed and designed for other people’s reading pleasure. I also know from experience that I tire of reading about the same old stuff over and over again so the ramifications of frequent postings is probably going to result in many no longer reading about the thoughts of a grieving mom. Yet I have decided I do not care and from this day forward, I will never ever apologize for grieving Amy.
As I move a little farther out of the shock stage into the horrible reality of it all, I find I need to release more frequently the garbled screwed up thinking which is torturing my mind.
I admit I don’t understand blogging. I only understand grieving mom pain and the challenge it is to live without Amy.
So why did I start this blog anyway?
* Primarily because I didn’t know what to do with the excruciating pain on the other side of Devastation Day.
* I was so lonely and desperately searching for others to confirm I was not being targeted by this horrible life sentence.
* I wanted someone to tell me that I could survive this tragedy for no other reason than I didn’t want to compound my loved ones pain. I confess there were times in those early months when my will to live was not strong but the love which I have for my family kept me going.
* I also wrote because I was searching for understanding which I received from other grieving parents.
* And then I desperately needed to vent about those who kept hurting me with their words and actions.
I am grateful for this blog which is always available to me. It is the friend who doesn’t send the message “I will contact you when I am in the mood for your sad story.” Or “I haven’t called because I don’t like to talk on the phone.” Guess what, I don’t like losing a child.
What I have found via this blog is that there are many compassionate people who do read my thoughts in an effort to understand so they can help me or help someone else possibly on this same journey.
Today a woman left me a voicemail that it was urgent that I call her back. Thank God I knew my husband and kids were safe and sound as hearing the word urgent gave me an immediate sinking feeling. Of course I called her back and discovered the sad news that she had lost her brother who was her mother’s youngest child. I had stood in her shoes 7 years ago when my brother died, also my Mom’s youngest child, and I remember how desperate I was to help my Mom, which happened to be the purpose of her call. How does she help her Mom through this nightmare? God, does it ever stop?
After expressing my sympathy, I reminded her that her Mom was in shock and to stay close and just be there for her. The circumstances were so tragic surrounding this loss so I was searching for something useful to say and then I recalled my own words. There are no words! Nothing in life prepares you to live without your child. NOTHING! And the unimagineable pain which follows and which I am still experiencing is also beyond anyone’s comprehension unless they have lost a child.
So in the grand scheme of it all, does it really matter how often I post? Is it “cool” or “deep” or “savvy” to only share my pain periodically in an effort not to bore people or bring people down? Oh for crying outloud (something I can relate to so well) don’t read or follow me.
Just delete my thoughts like you do that relentless vendor who keeps showing up in your email. I assure you my feelings won’t be hurt because nothing could hurt me more than I already am.
It is my hope that as I release my painful thoughts that maybe some day, some unfortunate parent in the midst of their own Devastation Day will stumble across my blog and will relate to the raw side of my honest thoughts and feel less alone or targeted.
It is my hope that some day I will run out of things to say about grieving because some kind of healthy balance will be restored to my thinking and I will not give a damn what anyone else says or thinks as I will be focusing my energy in a more positive way.
Anyway for those who continue to read my postings, be prepared that I have a lot of releasing of thoughts to do as we gear up for the “most wonderful time of the year” and I am forced to go through another set of holidays without Amy. So I will end this post now as I start to plan the big butterball turkey menu and visions of sugar plums start dancing in my head …if only.
Always remembering my sweet Amy.