Purpose of Amy’s death??? Can’t say that I will ever willingly accept that my daughter had to leave this world as part of a plan or purpose for anyone on this side of the veil. The very idea of that makes me feel physically ill. From day one of Devastation Day, I vehemently rejected that my Amy was a sacrificial lamb sent here to save me or to save anyone else’s family. Some idiot woman actually insinuated that one month after Devastation Day? And you wonder why I am so angry? This is the self serving chirping which I have had to endure. I still get furious when I think of the audacity it took to thank me for Amy saving her family! What kind of effed up plan would that be?
And I admit as a mother who loves Amy and is living with a gigantic crater in my life now, I find it difficult to accept that Amy’s sudden death served any purpose. How cruel to deliberately impose this life sentence on my family? Yes, many wonderful families suffer this same painful loss of a child, but it’s still so difficult to be in this category. I despise being part of this group among some of the kindest people whom have ever crossed my path!
However, I am 100% certain that Amy’s short life served a purpose. I will always maintain that this world as I know it would benefit from having more Amys. It is easy for me to embrace how truly blessed I am to call myself Amy’s Mom, a title I will always wear proudly.
Amy taught me more about love and forgiveness than any other person on the planet. She loved with the purest heart, and as a result, her heart sometimes knew great pain as there were those among us who easily took advantage of her generous nature. Amy was a giver and there were many willing takers. Yet, part of Amy’s giving nature was an attempt at fixing other’s problems. It gave her great joy to do good deeds. Oh how I love that girl.
Amy had a beautiful old soul and was wise beyond her years. I always find it interesting how many grieving parents whom I have met describe their child as having similar traits as Amy. Maybe only the good do die young, but quite honestly, that notion offers me no peace.
First let me say, when anyone reminds me that I have to finish my journey, I want to scream and maybe take a swing at them. What if “being a mother of three children” was my journey? And who is going to stand up and raise their hand to offer suggestions on how I replace my Amy in my journey so I can start skipping down the yellow brick road again?!?
If only it were all so simple to lick your wounds and continue on your merry way while moving through the saddest chapter of your life. Losing Amy was the defining chapter of my life. All time is focused on when Amy was here and when she was not …
Unless you are a family member or a therapist working through grief with someone, I think you are treading on thin ice reminding someone of their blessings. I keep a photo on my phone to remind me of mine but am offended by those who insinuate I am not aware. For Heaven’s sake, do I need your permission to mourn my child while her void in my life is screaming for my attention?
Sure, I can continue to be present for my children, husband, family and the friends who have been present for me. I can continue with my remember Amy projects and always promise to be a compassionate friend to any other family who crosses my path who unfortunately experiences their own Devastation Day. However, my journey included Amy. Simple fact. Shame on you if you are stupid, yes stupid, to think that I could just jump back on the merry go round of life and continue on my journey as if its easy to do. My journey includes carrying heavy lost dreams grief baggage which I am not strong enough to carry yet. Someone is missing who balanced my ability to move forward. I am handicapped in a way I cannot seem to verbalized. Besides, my destination is not looking especially bright at this moment in time.
Yesterday as I was driving home from the grocery store, I thought of all the things I want to tell Amy. Some which would make her laugh and other stuff which would make her angry. Things no one else would understand or be interested in hearing. So, should I just talk to her photos? Amy is not my imaginary friend; she is my daughter. I don’t want to talk to the air. Yes, her energy is still here but it’s not enough. Yeah, I watch the Long Island Medium, and I do believe there is more going on after we die, but here’s the thing … It still hurts living in a world without Amy and embracing her in “spirit” is difficult. Imagining continuing my life without her is not easy. More than anything, I want it to be true: that our energy and spirit survives our body and continues in Heaven or another dimension! Over these past 14.5 months, I have learned a lot and I do “believe” but it’s just not enough to ease the ache in my heart.
Yet, this week parts of a song which I haven’t heard since Devastation Day kept replaying in my head:
When I get where I’m going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I’m gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly
I’m gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it’s like
To ride a drop of rain
Yeah, when I get where I’m going
There’ll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I’ll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah, when I get where I’m going
Don’t cry for me down here
This part of the song reminds me of where I am now:
So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can’t answer
So much work to do
Maybe that is the ultimate journey and the journey some are eager to put me on is just a blip in the grand scheme of things. Yet I pray my ego never blocks all of the unknown possibilities as I admit I just don’t know everything. I need that peace which is a ramification of trusting and believing. I even admit it would be so worth the gamble to take that leap of faith … The alternative would be too painful!
But when I get where I’m going
And I see my Maker’s face
I’ll stand forever in the light
Of His amazing grace
Yes, my own journey is lonely, but it is my sincere and loving hope that Amy’s journey is now blissfully lovely and she is forever standing in the light of His amazing grace …
Amy, did you put that song in my head this week or was it Him? Either way, I heard it loud and clear.
Always remembering Amy.