13 months later and is it possible that the empty space in my heart hurts more now than ever? It just reminds me how time does not heal all wounds. There is a spot in my heart and soul which was designed exclusively for my youngest daughter, Amy. The Amy who lived here on this side of the veil with me and our family. The Amy who slept in the room down the hall from me. The Amy who I could kiss, hug and have a discussion with where she answers me with her sweet voice and not telepathically in my head.
Yes, of course, I can embrace her in spirit. What choice do I have because I still love her so much and need her in my life. However, my life was not supposed to turn out this way. How many times do I have to say parents are not wired to live without their child’s physical presence. I cannot speak for anyone but myself, but from where I am standing now in the world, it hurts like hell.
It’s been too long since I have touched my daughter and heard her voice. There are moments when it hurts so much I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy or pity. Pity is suffocating. Just please respect the love I share with my sweet youngest child and place no expectations on me. Honor the bond between a parent and a child as sacred and everlasting. Don’t predict my future or instruct me how to get over the loss of my precious child. And pray that God continues to answer your prayers and you never ever have to know this unimaginable pain which my family is being forced to live with since Devastation Day.
There are no adequate words to explain how painful it is to live with this empty space in my heart. And do me a favor, please don’t tell me you read my blog if you see me as I truly am hanging on by a thread these days and don’t need any reminders. There is no happy ending to this part of my life and please put your silver sharpie away because there are no silver linings related to losing a child.
I will continue to do good deeds for others because I have always done good deeds, but so what. A lot of good it did me to be a Pollyanna. You reap what you sew? Hmmmm. I beg to differ as no one in my family did anything to warrant losing Amy.
Yeah, yeah; blah blah … Bad stuff happens to good people. It does. I have met so many truly good people in this past year who have also lost a child. I have read blogs eloquently written by parents farther along who offer hope. Good to hear, but I am not not there yet and my grief is still fresh, or so I have been told.
For the record, I no longer blame God; I am not even mad at Him anymore. It takes too much energy to be angry at Him and some days I truly do believe that He is the only One who sees inside my heart and knows my pain. Some day He will explain everything to me but until that day, go ahead and say it: she was never the same after she lost her child. You got that right! 13 months later I haven’t a clue who I am anymore. Sadly, some days I just don’t care.
Always remembering Amy.