While I make it a point not to read my old posts, a friend of mine had printed out most of them in case I wanted to have a paper copy of my blog, but I was unable to bring myself to do anything with the papers. However, recently I stumbled across one which I had written in November 2013, three months after Devastation Day about the things people say….
Even in my grief fog, I remember very well how vulnerable I was then and how their words had such a powerful effect on my already compromised state of mind and broken heart. There should be a law against compounding someone’s pain when they are so vulnerable.
As I have said before Devastation Day, and still say now, whether or not your words are meant to hurt, the result is the same. So as you walk away shaking your head when someone reacted in an unexpected way to your thoughtless comment or actions, because, after all you meant no harm — honey, if you say it or do it, you own it.
Facebook — one big ugh! The chirpy, self promoting, thoughtless stuff that gets posted … Yesterday, someone reposted a photo of a scene where a corpse, who was also someone’s deceased loved one, fell out from the back of a coroner’s car. This happened a few miles from my home. LOL was all over the comments. Seriously, you fools! Is nothing sacred??? This was someone’s loved one. The man that posted it on Facebook was actually the man who stopped and helped the driver of the coroner’s vehicle get the body back into the car… He was the one who snapped the photo that is making it’s way around the sometimes shallow world of Facebook. What happened to that good deed once he decided to post it on Facebook and put it out there for people to laugh and use as a joke? He lost his Good Samaritan status in my book and became an opportunist.
You want to talk about Life Lessons? And some might say that my daughter was taken because I needed to learn Life Lessons??? Nope, not buying that theory. Hopefully this guy will learn his life lesson when he gets responses other than LOL! And seriously, what idiot hits the “like” button?
Is it me? Am I too sensitive or serious since I lost my daughter? Are we that desperate for a laugh that anything is fair game? Guess so! I typically don’t respond to anything on Facebook but I did respond to this posting but I am sure it fell on deaf ears.
WTF is wrong with this world? And I wonder why it’s such a difficult world to exist in when you are broken?
Yesterday, I held a 9 day old baby who melted my heart. My heart still works. Love around the hole in your heart is possible. Later, we stopped at a birthday party for a sweet 2 year old — lovely family — I was okay until they sang happy birthday to the little guy. Why would that song move me to tears? It makes me cry now even thinking about it?
Grievers are like sponges who soak up everything. We have no filters which bounce the words in one ear and out the other. Words get stuck and recycle in our tormented minds. While I will never diminish any griever’s pain, and I have lost a parent, grandparents, a brother, my mother-in-law, etc., nothing, and I mean nothing in the universe, compares to losing a child.
As I have also said time and time again, nothing prepares you to deal with this unimagineable loss and pain. It’s like walking around bleeding and so dazed and confused that you wonder if you are losing your mind, yet on some level you just don’t care.
There are those who have dropped off the map because they didn’t know what to say. What a cop out!
Parents want to know their child made a difference in this world and will not be forgotten. People who die after living a long life get to create their own legacy in this world, but when a child dies before reaching old age, many parents feel compelled to remind the world that their loved one was here! So many of these parents do amazing things in memory of their child. They need support and while there may be no words, there is always something you can do. Even the littlest gestures are appreciated.
Tell them you will never forget their child. Support their efforts to remember their child. Plant a flower, send a thinking of you card when everyone stops thinking of them and returns from their sad story to their own life. That is a normal reaction and I am not criticizing. I have two friends who send me cards every week or every other week. I didn’t know Hallmark made that many cards. Each card comforts me.
If you go to church, tell the grieving parent that you remembered their child and their family in prayer or you lit a candle for them. Make a $1 donation at the grocery store and write their child’s name on it. Invite them to dinner. Make them cookies. Give them flowers. Random acts of kindness go a long way.
And please don’t ask them when they are going to feel better, get over their loss or just hide out until the coast is clear!
Unless you have walked in their shoes, without a child, remember you have no clue what life is like for them. But I do and I assure you never want it to happen to you.
Always remembering Amy.
7 thoughts on “Things People Say and Do — Revisted”
Denise
No, Dee, you’re not too sensitive. Facebook exposes the ugly underbelly of our collective condition; it’s not that we’re any worse than we ever were, it’s that now it’s in full exposure. I’ve heard about things posted on Facebook and I wonder what made someone – in such a traumatic moment – think to snap a picture? Or maybe we ARE worse, because now we have a platform for all of it and we’re in a hurry to be the one who got there first.
I’m being generous saying “we,” because there are many of us who just wouldn’t; but since we don’t, you don’t hear about us.
There isn’t anything worse than losing a child. Take my arms, my legs, my sight, my life – not my child. But here we are. And whatever hurt before about “the world” only hurts more. What I know, but am still learning, is that if you want to change the world, change your mind about the world. We can call people cruel, stupid, vicious, angry, even evil – but what it comes down to is people are unconscious. All of us – and either we’re trying to wake up or not. When we’re unconscious we’re driven by wanting and needing, without asking what it’s for. And it’s not either/or – waking up is a process. Jesus and Buddha were there. The rest of us have to do the work.
Which is what Philip’s asking me to do – to learn how to live deeply and fully. It’s exactly as you quoted in the beginning of your post – it’s my journey to make sense of, not anyone else’s. Each in our own way.
Peace, my friend. You’re suffering in ways known only to you, as are each of us who are bearing this kind of loss.
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deeincollingo
Thank you, Denise. Like Phillip, I am sure Amy wants me to find a way to live my life, yet I am so lost without her. If only she could text me or visit me to show me how. Just like the people who don’t know what to say or do, I do not know how to live without Amy. And I am still struggling with that 100% guarantee that she is really doing fine without me. I get signs, but I need more. I am typically not aware of the calendar, however, the closer I get to August 4 … well, suffice to say it hurts more than I ever thought was possible. Peace would be a blessing. I wish you the same comfort and peace.
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grahamforeverinmyheart
Wow. I agree with everything you wrote. All of it. I wish everyone who knows a grieving parent could read it too. Most people avoid mentioning my son at all, as if he never existed. I suppose they don’t know what to say. I understand that, but sometimes it just makes me lonely and other times it makes me angry. I find myself being so grateful when anyone acknowledges him.
And how about this for worst thing to ever say to a grieving parent…..the day after my son died, a “friend” (now former friend) said “You’ll see….everything will work out for the best.”
REALLY? There’s something better than having my children alive? My husband and I haven’t been able to speak to her since then.
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deeincollingo
Jennifer, I read your comment to my husband and we were both appalled by what your former friend said to you. What an insensitive and hurtful thing to say. I am so sorry.
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miragreen
Dear Dee, it’s so true that the insensitivity of so many has become more obvious. What I thought was annoying before, is now unbearable. I have to fight some days to actually convince myself that there are good people out there and that I’m still one of them. Apathy is easy right now. I know your Amy will not be forgotten, nor will my Melinda, because we won’t let that happen. We will talk about them so that everyone we meet will knwo them and their beauty. They deserve that and so do we.
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deeincollingo
Thank you, Mira. You are so right!
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Justonemoretime
So well expressed, thank you for sharing. X
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