While I make it a point not to read my old posts, a friend of mine had printed out most of them in case I wanted to have a paper copy of my blog, but I was unable to bring myself to do anything with the papers. However, recently I stumbled across one which I had written in November 2013, three months after Devastation Day about the things people say….
Even in my grief fog, I remember very well how vulnerable I was then and how their words had such a powerful effect on my already compromised state of mind and broken heart. There should be a law against compounding someone’s pain when they are so vulnerable.
As I have said before Devastation Day, and still say now, whether or not your words are meant to hurt, the result is the same. So as you walk away shaking your head when someone reacted in an unexpected way to your thoughtless comment or actions, because, after all you meant no harm — honey, if you say it or do it, you own it.
Facebook — one big ugh! The chirpy, self promoting, thoughtless stuff that gets posted … Yesterday, someone reposted a photo of a scene where a corpse, who was also someone’s deceased loved one, fell out from the back of a coroner’s car. This happened a few miles from my home. LOL was all over the comments. Seriously, you fools! Is nothing sacred??? This was someone’s loved one. The man that posted it on Facebook was actually the man who stopped and helped the driver of the coroner’s vehicle get the body back into the car… He was the one who snapped the photo that is making it’s way around the sometimes shallow world of Facebook. What happened to that good deed once he decided to post it on Facebook and put it out there for people to laugh and use as a joke? He lost his Good Samaritan status in my book and became an opportunist.
You want to talk about Life Lessons? And some might say that my daughter was taken because I needed to learn Life Lessons??? Nope, not buying that theory. Hopefully this guy will learn his life lesson when he gets responses other than LOL! And seriously, what idiot hits the “like” button?
Is it me? Am I too sensitive or serious since I lost my daughter? Are we that desperate for a laugh that anything is fair game? Guess so! I typically don’t respond to anything on Facebook but I did respond to this posting but I am sure it fell on deaf ears.
WTF is wrong with this world? And I wonder why it’s such a difficult world to exist in when you are broken?
Yesterday, I held a 9 day old baby who melted my heart. My heart still works. Love around the hole in your heart is possible. Later, we stopped at a birthday party for a sweet 2 year old — lovely family — I was okay until they sang happy birthday to the little guy. Why would that song move me to tears? It makes me cry now even thinking about it?
Grievers are like sponges who soak up everything. We have no filters which bounce the words in one ear and out the other. Words get stuck and recycle in our tormented minds. While I will never diminish any griever’s pain, and I have lost a parent, grandparents, a brother, my mother-in-law, etc., nothing, and I mean nothing in the universe, compares to losing a child.
As I have also said time and time again, nothing prepares you to deal with this unimagineable loss and pain. It’s like walking around bleeding and so dazed and confused that you wonder if you are losing your mind, yet on some level you just don’t care.
There are those who have dropped off the map because they didn’t know what to say. What a cop out!
Parents want to know their child made a difference in this world and will not be forgotten. People who die after living a long life get to create their own legacy in this world, but when a child dies before reaching old age, many parents feel compelled to remind the world that their loved one was here! So many of these parents do amazing things in memory of their child. They need support and while there may be no words, there is always something you can do. Even the littlest gestures are appreciated.
Tell them you will never forget their child. Support their efforts to remember their child. Plant a flower, send a thinking of you card when everyone stops thinking of them and returns from their sad story to their own life. That is a normal reaction and I am not criticizing. I have two friends who send me cards every week or every other week. I didn’t know Hallmark made that many cards. Each card comforts me.
If you go to church, tell the grieving parent that you remembered their child and their family in prayer or you lit a candle for them. Make a $1 donation at the grocery store and write their child’s name on it. Invite them to dinner. Make them cookies. Give them flowers. Random acts of kindness go a long way.
And please don’t ask them when they are going to feel better, get over their loss or just hide out until the coast is clear!
Unless you have walked in their shoes, without a child, remember you have no clue what life is like for them. But I do and I assure you never want it to happen to you.
Always remembering Amy.