Rewind to last year at this same time, and my family of 5 were enjoying our family vacation at the beach. If I had known this was going to be our last family vacation together, what would I had done differently? Definitely hugged everyone more until I was asked to stop. Took more photos? Proclaimed my love for everyone? Soaked up every second of that time in an effort to be better equipped to deal with life after Devastation Day?
Now the idea of vacation makes me cry. How did all those joyful “firsts” as my babies were growing, evolve into this new set of “firsts” which are beyond painful.
I openly resent the “firsts” that I am forced to deal with now. The first time we asked for a table for four, I remember having to self coach myself to follow the hostess to our table when all I wanted to do was bolt out the door.
My postings during this first year are sad. It hurts to live without Amy and as I have said many times, nothing in my life prepared me to do this with grace. I continue to be surprised whenever I have glimmers of peace.
This is my personal journey after the loss of my own child and in no way meant as a model or gauge for anyone else. It’s glimpses into my heart and mind when I feel the need to release the thoughts that are tormenting me at times. In no way do I ever proclaim to know “the way” through this horrific nightmare or would I encourage anyone to follow me. I am not a professional writer, mental health professional or expert in any field. I am a broken hearted ordinary woman searching for a way to live without my precious child so please keep your expectations of me in line with who I am.
Am I adjusting? I suppose that depends on who you ask? Maybe I don’t want to know your answer or be judged so I am not interested in the answer to that question. I do know that my heart has not adjusted and my disposition is far from sunny.
I miss my girl more each and every day, but I am now able to ask for a table for 4 without crying. Is that progress? You decide. No, I take that back, don’t tell me what you think because based on the way this grief works, I may be back to square one and crying inside the next time we ask for a table for 4 instead of our core family table of 5.