For what purpose, reason, or cause; with what intention, justification, or motive.
Why is the door shut? Why do birds sing?
The reason, cause, or purpose for which.
I know why you left.
On account of which; for which.
The cause or intention underlying a given action or situation.
studying the whys of antisocial behavior.
A difficult problem or question.
Used to express mild surprise, indignation, or impatience.
Hmmm. Little word with simple definitions yet impact on thought process is so very complicated! Did that definition really say “I know why you left”??? Well, I don’t.
It’s hard not to ask why? Why Amy? Why me? Why our family?
The answer I came up with in those early weeks when I was in shock and at my numbest point was why not Amy, why not me, why not our family? Then the shock started to chip away and the numbness started to wear off and that answer is just not acceptable.
There are no answers why a perfectly healthy, kind, cautious and generous 27 year old would pass away so suddenly! Or why a family who cherished their children would lose one. No answers.
It’s inevitable that I would feel betrayed by this world and my religion. Yet I realize that there are other beautiful children who do not get to finish their lives here and leave behind families carrying the same elephant sized pain that we carry. Why us?!?
I have only slept through the night one time since August 4, 2013. No need to ask myself why I can’t sleep? There are days I just want to stay in bed because putting one foot in front of the other takes too much energy.
I no longer live my life, but rather exist in a world that constantly reminds me of who I have lost. There are days when I daydream about moving to a place that has no memory of Amy? While Amy lives in my heart and I could never, ever forget her, the places and things around me here are an excruciating reminder of my once upon a time when Amy was here! But would moving away really ease my pain? Will the day come when I get peace from the home she loved? Will that bedroom upstairs which used to be so full of life but now just houses things ever lose it’s sorrow?
Every time I pull up in front of my home and look up at my daughter’s bedroom windows, I feel cheated. I think this was the first week since August 4 that I didn’t cry as I parked in front of our home. Progress? Numbness? Fatigue? Whatever. I still cry numerous times during the day. Believe me, I say that as a fact and not to seek sympathy.
When I am up to counting my blessings, I can feel blessed that I had my daughter for almost 28 years, but why should I have to settle for just 8 days shy of her 28th birthday? And way to go God/universe, whatever, forcing us to deal with my daughter’s birthday so close to this tragedy? But is there ever a good time to lose a child? Oh the places I have to go in my mind now with all of these questions?!
Others have lost children who are much younger than Amy? Am I blessed to have had her longer? I believe the loss of a child is so unique that the pain we parents feel has one gauge. Horrific, unimaginable loss! My heart breaks for all of us regardless if your child was miscarried or 59 years old! It has to be the same pain!
One of these days I will post something with a more positive tone. But for now I travel on a raw, honest path that unfortunately maybe only someone experiencing the same loss could relate to why at 6 months and 18 days I am still crying about how painful this journey has been.
And why I still have not been able to have her cell phone turned off or eat wonton soup just to name two of the hundred ways my world has changed in 6 months, 18 days.
Remember Amy who loved to eat wonton soup when it snowed and ordered it every time she was feeling sick.