I never realized that I could cry so many tears. Grief is painful and relentless. I cry everywhere! Currently, I am only able to work part time. Recently, someone asked me what I did on my days off to which I responded, “I cry. A lot.”
On the days I work, I cry when I get up, in the car, a few mini grief bursts during the day, but by the time I leave the office at the end of the day, I can barely hold the tears back as I take the quick ride down the elevator. I cry on the walk to my car and once inside my car, I sob. That sets the pace for the rest of the night because I have had to hold the tears in most of the day. No one, other than someone experiencing heavy grief, could understand your actual need to cry this much. That only explains the physical release of grief.
Then there are tears that are triggered from memories, songs, items in the grocery store, things people say, photos, stores, photos, mail, places, buildings, sirens, objects, etc.
I recently read this in an old article from Psychology Today:
“Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and ‘tear expert’ Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.” Interestingly, humans are the only creatures known to shed emotional tears, though it’s possible that that elephants and gorillas do too. Other mammals and also salt-water crocodiles produce reflex tears which are protective and lubricating.
Crying makes us feel better, even when a problem persists. In addition to physical detoxification, emotional tears heal the heart.” … “Crying is also essential to resolve grief, when waves of tears periodically come over us after we experience a loss. Tears help us process the loss so we can keep living with open hearts. Otherwise, we are a set up for depression if we suppress these potent feelings.”
No one could possibly understand my need to cry and how necessary it is to have the time and safe places where I can do so freely. Just like a small child, who needs a nap after becoming over stimulated, I need to cry after I am over stimulated by trying to interact with others and behave normally for long periods of time. Nothing about my life feels normal as I exist in a world without Amy.
It has been my experience that when I cannot release the tears, I feel very depressed. And who knew that grief and depression are different. I didn’t.
Amy is worth ever tear! Guess I will cry a million more.