I feel like I am being asked to do the impossible. Continue on in a world without Amy. Nothing in my life ever prepared me to do this. No religion or life lesson. It’s so unnatural. Every day I cry. Every day I miss her more. Damn it, I want her back!
It is exhausting living two lives. My public life and my private life. My pubic life requires me to pretend I am fine so others are not uncomfortable and then there is the private hell when I am alone and the reality sets in that my beautiful Amy has passed away. A friend who knows my pain only too well, because she is also struggling in a world without one of her children, said we carry an invisible wound. So true. On the surface we may look “ok” so most people are not able to honor that wound and therefore their expectations of us are unrealistic.
Yet, as sad and broken as I am, I continue to love my daughter and am convinced that love never dies.
I also believe that there is a peaceful and guiding energy surrounding each of us together with guides who love us and work through our conscious mind to keep us on the right track. Every one has heard that little voice in their head at one time or another cautioning us or helping us to rethink a bad decision.
It also makes sense to me that life is not over when our bodies die because our souls are so powerful and full of so much energy. Many times I have heard senior citizens talk about the energy that churns within them yet their bodies betray them and will not cooperate and allow them to do what their inner energy is longing to do.
I believe that when our bodies break down and betray us as is inevitable, sometimes sooner than later, and we break free of our physical bodies, our souls and spirit once again soar and continue on in a new form with endless energy. The “where” we go to is unique to everyone’s individual belief.
I choose to believe that my daughter’s energy and spirit continues in a place which I cannot see, yet know exists. I choose to believe she is still with me, just on a different frequency. I also choose to believe that I will see my daughter again some day!
Just ask anyone who has lost someone whom they loved with all of their heart if they would be open to the possibility of continuing to have their loved ones present in their life … even if that presence is in a spirit form?
Many have watched Theresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium on TLC. Personally, I believe she has the ability to communicate with our deceased loved ones and give comfort to so many people. John Edward is another source of comfort to me. Since I am still unable to listen to music or watch much tv, I listen to his books on Audible.
As I started entertaining the possibility of a spirit world where our loved ones continue to exist, where they continue to see what is going on in our lives, are able to send us signs, as well as watching over us, I was so surprised to discover how many people believe!
If you ask anyone who is struggling to go on without a loved one if they would take a leap of faith to communicate with their deceased love one via a reputable medium, my guess is many would say yes! I know I did!
Some may throw the religion card at me and I am happy to throw it right back because having the ability to communicate with the unseen, including God, is something we all have available to us. “I believe in all that is seen and unseen.” And I do believe that there are some among us who have developed their gifts and are able to see on both sides of the veil or curtain. When we were planning Amy’s funeral, the priest reminded us that my daughter is still close to us and just on the other side of the curtain. I was not comforted that day because I needed more proof!
The day after Amy’s funeral I had a surprise visit from two very kind women whom I do not know very well. One of them casually asked me if I had considered talking to a medium or psychic. No way was I interested in a psychic as I could not imagine much of a future without Amy. The thought never occurred to me to see a medium but since I was new to this horrible minority of mothers trying to survive without a child, I kind of stuck that option on the back burner.
As I continued to stumble on with a heavy heart and met other grieving parents, the option of seeing a medium came up more often. I heard testaments from parents who found comfort after speaking with mediums so my interest peaked.
I became obsessed with wanting to learn more about where my precious Amy is now. There were those who threw the words Heaven and angel at me like a hush, hush … all better … she is in a better place and an angel now. Seriously, have you seen her there? Well, guess what! Recently I learned that there are those who can see my daughter and could reassure me she had arrived safely and was just fine. Now they can shush me and soothe me, but I appreciate the people who are here and tried.
I, personally, had always had the strongest opinions on the right stuff to say when someone loses a loved one. After all, I believed in God and Heaven and eternal life so easy for me to reassure others. However, other than my dear Mom, I have never personally watched anyone else struggle after losing a child. I now realize I had no idea about the lonely and dark world you find yourself in when the worst thing that could happen, happens.
Every day for months I called my mother just hoping she was finally feeling better, only to find she was drowning in grief and apparently it’s not something that just goes away in a few months. Every time we spoke I would have that same hope that she was done crying and finally able to move forward — in part, so I could stop worrying about her.
I remember when my Mom started talking about getting messages and signs from my brother and became so interested in the after life. I was worried! Little did I know…
Ever since Amy passed away, I have been receiving signs from her, but I still wondered… the holidays sucked with the exception of the 24 hours I spent at my daughter’s home where she provided such a warm safe haven for us. However, as bad as I felt during December, January has knocked me out. My first new year that I will not be able to kiss or hug her…
I remember writing in my journal which are filled with letters to Amy that I really needed a sign that she was ok and I could survive in a world without her. About two hours later, I was driving on my way to do an errand when my phone beeped like I had a text message. I was waiting to hear from my daughter who was going to meet me later in the day so I pulled my phone out of my purse. No new text messages but instead I discover my phone was on the “Feathers” network! A) I have a roaming data plan so it didn’t need to search for networks and B) feathers is the secret word that Amy and I used to say I Love You! The Doubting Thomas can find some logical explanation but I have no doubt it was a sign from my Amy.
Recently I met with a very reputable healing medium who I researched extensively and felt confident could help me. My reading was amazing! Too intimate to post on a blog, but for the few people whom I shared the reading with, they would support how truly amazing it was! Suffice to say there is no way the medium could know what she did and I am a believer!
One thing I did learn after sitting with a medium is that it’s highly emotional and if it hadn’t been recorded I would have missed some of the validations which came through. And it’s not like I was going to find out who I would marry and how many children I would have… This was so important to me that I did my homework and have no regrets about the medium I felt I needed to see.
After my reading, this gifted medium sent me an email and told me to remember that in my session, my daughter looked very happy, healthy and full of great energy and most of all wants my family to be ok and be able to move forward in the best way that we can. She knows that we think and talk about her everyday. All of this was validated during my incredible session with specific details which were not on FB where people share every detail of their lives along with every thought that pops into their head. That would be a perfect forum where the gypsies who are trying to exploit the broken hearted could get a ton of info!
I truly wish that my incredible session could heal my broken heart but that’s not possible because I still have to mourn the loss of my daughter’s physical presence which is so very painful and lonely.
However, I am comforted that based on the validations that came through from my daughter of things that transpired since she passed, that my daughter still sees me and her loved ones. I believe she watches over us and also experiences eternal life with many of my loved ones who have also passed away and came forward in my session. I received a powerful message from my father who passed away almost 48 years ago and I guarantee you he is not dropping any info on the social media network!
Should I be sharing that I went to a medium as many other grieving parents have because I was so desperate for a communication from my daughter? Probably not…but I have been thrown into a world which no longer makes sense to me. A world that is painful to exist in and where I no longer feel comfortable. Walk in my shoes, then judge. It really comes down to I have to do whatever gets me through the night… And I have only had a few restful nights since that horrible day in August which stole my peace and my daughter and cursed my life forever.