Two more days to get through … Oh how I wish I could turn the clock back and have a normal holiday like other years with the blessing of having my husband and all three of my children here, but that’s not going to happen. I wish I was complaining about how much I still had to do and how tired I was. Or that we could continue all of our old Christmas Eve and Christmas traditions that were etched in stone…
Each year I would sit at the breakfast table on Christmas and feel so blessed that my husband and children were with me. Every year my heart was bursting with love as I looked around the table at the four most important people in my world. Now this year, that image has been shattered and I will never understand why.
This year we are abandoning those old traditions. I didn’t even put up a tree for the first time in forever! I will still be blessed but my heart will be heavy. That’s not a prediction but rather a reality.
Not looking for a “new normal” for Christmas. I have come to resent those two words as there was nothing wrong with my old normal.
It’s just so sad and lonely this holiday season without my Amy and with John, Nicholas, Krista and I struggling as we go on without her.
I, personally have felt such an out pouring of love and support from my family and the very dear friends who have taken time out of their own busy lives to support me and my family during these dreaded holidays. Never let it be said that I didn’t notice because you really eased my pain with your kindness.
When I asked that people write a little memory of Amy so we could fill her stocking with love, most did.
Of course, I still had to deal with the clueless people that compound my pain and sorrow with the stupid crap they say but I think that will always be a challenge I will have to deal with in this vulnerable state.
Tonight we delivered a generous gift collected by my office friends in memory of Amy for her gym. This money was given to us at the end of August, but we were just too distraught to deliver it.
Last week I decided I was on a mission to deliver it before Christmas. Imagine our surprise and the joy we felt when we walked into the gym tonight to discover a life-size mural of our Amy on the wall of the gym overlooking the ring! It is not quite done, but completed enough that we could enjoy it. Her trainer said they talk about her all of the time and feel her presence in the gym. He showed us where he believes she looks over them all. He shared many Amy stories with us. We also brought a bag of jump ropes that Amy had ordered — unbeknownst to us, she bought them for the children at the gym who she was helping! That’s my girl!
My Amy must be so happy seeing this mural at her beloved gym and I know she loves the flat abs and defined upper arms that the artist drew ;). Seeing that mural was a wonderful gift to my heart during this very sad Christmas season.
After our stop at the gym, I tracked down Amy’s friend who was homeless for a period when he fell on hard times. Amy spoke so fondly of him and when she discovered he was sleeping on the floor at the gym, she bought him a pillow and blanket. When he discovered she was afraid to walk to her car in the dark, he walked her there.
We were happy to discover tonight that he now has a place to live as well as a job! He was so, so surprised and grateful for the money which we gave him tonight which was also collected by my office friends at the end of August. He kept saying if there was anything he could ever do for us, to please let him know. He truly is a good guy and I am confident he will spend that money wisely. He told me he will never ever forget Amy!
It has been my personal goal to keep Amy’s memory alive. I always say… Remember Amy! I know if you extended even the smallest kindness to her, she remembers you…
I will never understand why my family and I are being forced to spend the rest of our lives without Amy! It will never make sense to me and the world is dimmer without her.
Two more tougher than normal days to get through … I still have blessings, but I miss my Amy so much.
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